I give up

I give up.
I can't do this anymore.
My driving has gotten WORSE in the past month or so. I can't even drive to work anymore. (A coworker has been taking me the past few days.) I couldn't go to my dad's house today and he only lives about 6 miles away. All day long I think about the next drive...correction...I OBSESS about the next drive. My thoughts race at the speed of light...all day and all night and I talk to patients at work, but in the back of my mind I'm wondering how in the HELL I'm going to make it home. At home at night I dread the drive to work the next day. On the weekends..when I should be relaxing...I keep thinking and thinking about the drive on Monday mornings. I have nightmares. I dream that I'm trapped in a big city, with bridges, overpasses, buildings, cars, freeways, and more. I cry in my sleep. I have panic attacks in MY SLEEP. I can't even get any relief and relaxation in my sleep!!!
I've tried everything....medication, therapy (including biofeedback and EMDR), books, subliminal messages, music, and more. Nothing has helped...in fact...I'm worse off.
Outside of my driving life, I'm a pretty smart cookie. I graduated college, bought my house at 21 years old, currently manage and run a business and am starting another business in January... etc..you get the idea. I am a capable person...but this driving thing has completely defeated me...and I decided tonight (with tears streaming down my face)...that I'm going to let it win. I don't want to do it anymore. The pain is MUCH too great..and I'm FOOLISH for letting it continue.

[Rich-Admin]

Hi Missy,
I certainly empathize with your frustration, this can be a tough road.

A few weeks back, i was reading a book called "The Dip". Basically it was talking about how what separates successful people from unsuccessful is that they're willing to go through the inevitable dip in the process. That whenever things are at their hardest (the dip), right after that is when they start to head rapidly in OTHER more positive direction. Problem is that most people give up during that dip because they take it as a sign of inevitable failure or doomed struggle.

I think you're in "The Dip" Missy.

I know with myself, things always got worse before they got better. It was necessary. The dip had to be there. I'm glad I pushed through and I think if you hang in there, you will be too.

Here's what's good though...

When you get to this point, where you can say, "F*%K it, I don't care anymore, Panic...do what you will.." is when you finally stop fighting and surrender, and when you can see tremendous progress. So I can see the dip far better from afar than you may be able to. If you're going to let it win..let it win in the car.

Fear has nothing to do with intelligence.

Sometimes you need to give up for a few days, but I think you'll be ok if you keep moving forward and remember this is only a dip.

Lots of people are here to support you too.

Rich

[teaser]

Hey Missy -

Don't give up! One thing that really, really helped me (and I've mentioned it before) was writing down exactly what I was thinking at the time I was obsessing. Actually write it down every single time. Don't slough off and say "I'll write it down later." I'm also a fan of the thought popping! (although I haven't thought popped myself out of smoking yet...hmmm) Other things that help me are realizing why I might feel anxious. Caffeine? Smoking? Thoughts? It kind of gave me a place to put the thoughts so to speak. Then move on.

My driving and going places has improved immensely!! I went out yesterday Christmas shopping and drove all over the place and went to the Super Wal-Mart (which I hate doing because it is so dang big) and had no problems at all. Even with our crappy snow covered roads (which is a whole other discussion regarding plows and salt).

Hang in there - keep posting - even when you are frustrated!

I'm sending you some virtual "I'll kick a$$" vibes...

teaser

[Rich-Admin]

If you want to talk about snow and plowing, here's a photo I took from my cell phone while driving last week AFTER they plowed. My wife wanted to know how the road were and I figured a pictures said 1,000 words...

Rich

[attachment=0:1080e2ca]IMG00029.jpg[/attachment:1080e2ca]

Thanks for the support to both of you.
The frustrating thing is that I've have been working so hard for so long to make driving/traveling easier for myself and I just want to be normal already.
Last year I talked to my doctor about being unhappy with my anxiety. Her response was for me to try new and more medication. I was so pissed. She didn't seem to understand anything I had been telling her.

That was July 25th 2007. I left her office that day and decided that more medicaton was NOT the answer for me. In fact, the medication I was on seemed pretty worthless. I decided that my changes were going to HAVE to come from me...it was time to take CHARGE and OWNERSHIP of MY life.

Sooooo...I came straight home from that appointment and took out a spiral notebook. I described (on 3 pages) how I was going to change my life in the areas of mental health, physical health, and diet. I made lists, created action plans, and stuck with it all. I quit coffee, cigarettes, medication (through a safe tapering process with my doctor), I changed the foods I ate, and exercised regularly. I lost 30 pounds in the process. Things were really looking up. I was feeling great and looking great!

Then my mom was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer in January of 2008. My entire world shut down. I shut down. I don't drink or do drugs, so I think I dealt with her diagnosis by letting my fears reappear. I became weak, scared, and helpless all over again. 2008 has been such a struggle for me. If I call my mom when I'm driving, I start to get panicky. Part of me is so scared for her and her illness that when I talk to her, I start to lose it.

I hear what you are saying about the 'dip', Rich. It's a rollercoaster that I don't want to be on anymore....but I'm afraid I'll be on it forever.

[Rich-Admin]

You won't be there forever.

Sounds like you've made some fantastic positive changes in your life, you should proud of all that and keep it your focus.

Well, with your mom in those circumstances, it's no wonder it's been tough. Losing a parent hits a lot of insecure parts of ourselves, brings up a lot of anxieties that are very deep.

Promise you'll keep moving forward, even through the bad days, and cut yourself some slack, ok? I'll promise to still be here when you need to vent, or celebrate, or anything in between.

Deal?

Rich

[teaser]

ummmm.. Rich? Is it really a good idea to be taking pictures with your phone while driving.... :lol:

Missy, life is a rollercoaster... lots of ups and downs. You have done sooooooo many great things for yourself.

Today I have to go my parents for Christmas - I come from a family of 13 and there are 100s of nieces, nephews, etc. The last couple of years, I would have been freaking out! A year ago I would have been second guessing even going (which then would tick me off, because in the ol' days, I would have been the first person there..). Not today!!! I'm excited, hoping to take a ton of pictures and have a lot of fun. I could get down on myself for not having so much fun in previous years, but hey - it's in the past! Hakuna matata! hehe

OK OK....so I've been doing better the past 2 days with my driving. I even went over this large overpass ( which was the original cause of my anguish earlier this week) twice today.....
I didn't die....faint...go crazy...or even panic.

So....my boyfriend and I decided that this coming Tuesday (weather permitting) we are going to go over that overpass over and over...and then we will tackle freeways....traffic...and whatever else.

Thanks for your words of support. Keep 'em coming!!!

[Rich-Admin]

hehe..true enough teaser!

told you I wasn't afraid any more!

Rich

[Fiore]

Missy,

Wow, My heart truely goes out to you.

I can't even imagine the whole bad weather thing over there ... here in the sub-tropics we are steaming with the heat. Oh for some snow to cool things down here. Having said that I know in heavy rain (we can get some bumper storms here), my anxiety levels spike.

To top it off, I think Christmas, despite all its goodness can also create heightened anxiety in us that are anxiety prone. Just all that pressure (internally created mostly) needing to know we have got all the right gifts for family/friends, have all the right food organised for Christmas dinner etc.

My first panic moment happened on Christmas Eve so I now classify Christmas as potentially a higher risk time for my vulnerability to anxiety. You too should maybe think of snow in the same way and don't be so demanding on yourself.

I am still not doing highways/freeways, but my development with driving has been a progressively improving thing. I've learned that we may have times of "rapid success" and just when you start to feel really good about yourself, you may enter the setback and you start to ask why are you bothering. My experience has been of achievement, periods of plateau-ing off, and then there are setbacks. Overall I've moved forward and have extended my comfort zone.

Rich has offered you some terrific advice and support. Take that on board.

I haven't made any comment yet about your Mum, but I'm really very saddened to hear of your Mum's illness. I too lost my Mum at an unnaturally premature time (she was 45, I was 20) so that is a very tough thing to have to go through.

Missy try to stay strong. Don't demand too much of yourself, but most of all DON'T GIVE UP!

Fiore

Thank you for your kind words, Fiore. Things mean so much more to me when they come from someone who has gone (is going) through a similar situation.

I wish the holidays didn't provoke negative feelings in you...but I understand that they do. Perhaps one year you can spend the holidays doing what YOU want to do. Pick and choose to do exactly what makes you feel good...so that you can relearn to associate the holidays with pleasantries.

I won't give up....but I can't say that I won't feel like giving up at times...until I conquer this beast.

See you on the boards,
Missy

Oh and teaser...

Hakuna Matata made me laugh!!