Evan
02-10-2009, 09:07 AM
Hi everyone. I'm 24 and really glad there are others out there that feel the same way. I guess I should consider myself lucky, well I do actually, that driving alone doesn't bother me but I've developed what is now a full blown concern/obsession that I might have to drive others in my car or even worse ride with other people in another car and possibly suffer a nasty attack.
I wanna say it started about 4-5 years ago with no obvious "trigger" event or anything like that. I honestly used to think that when I was in a car with others that maybe I was "talking myself blue" because I would feel short of breath but having to uncomfortably cease and avoid conversation halfway through the ride always seems to make the attack worse as I can't help but focus on my symptoms and knowing the others passengers notice my abrupt silence and one-word replies. I don't mind the shortness of breath and sweaty palms but what I can't handle is the numbness and tingling. It starts in my left hand at the tip of my pinky and spreads across both hands, then my legs, and then my chest if I don't get out of the car and stand up. As soon as that happens I know I'm in trouble and I try so hard to exercise all those things you read to cope with an attack but you can only think of exit strategies like how will I tell my friends we need to pull over? Especially when they're not always the closest of friends or a good friend and their friend, situations like that. Sometimes I'll tell them I have to take a leak and there's no way I can hold it so I can stand in a public restroom for at least 5 minutes which normally isn't enough to rid myself of the numbness but just enough to take the edge off and hopefully enough to make it to our destination without needing to explain I would need to stop again.
I know everyone will agree, as do I, that in the end you just have to do what you need but it's hard to dance around it with all the different types of people you ride with. I had to go to a wake of a friend of a close friend and halfway down the highway sitting in the back of his van with 5 other people I had to ask if we could turn around and get my car, which I felt awful about because we would've never made it to the funeral home during its hours. Thankfully, for whatever reason, I just powered through it cause I knew where we were on the highway and about how long we had to go. Thinking about, though I get worried about talking during the onset of an attack because I worry about expending that precious air I have in my lungs it sometimes works a charm, and my numbness goes away and normally when this happens it goes away for the rest of the entire ride. That makes me smile, to know it can be done. I know I don't get this way when my mom or dad is driving me somewhere because I feel incredibly safe with them obviously, and my mom's a gung ho nurse so I know if I ever passed out with her by me I would wake up in a hospital hehe.
A few things have saddened me though and have become the center of my obsession with this disorder for me.
One would be what to date was my worst attack about 3ish years ago while I was a passenger with a friend from Boston where I live to Cape Cod and while approaching our destination the numbness got so bad my entire body was tingling and throbbing with numbness, my chest unwanting to move with normal respiration. I totally freaked out and had my friend pull over at some restaurant 5 minutes from our friends house. I jumped out and couldn't even stand up straight. I asked him to call an ambulance but because he had a marijuana pipe in his car he was worried cops might suspect my condition was drug-related and so he assured me he return to help and left me to drop off his paraphernalia at our friends. He really is a kind person, a good friend, but I couldn't believe it, I was just standing alone at night at the edge of some family restaurant parking lot thinking for sure this was it--I was gonna end up on this asphalt alone and dead. I ran inside but I was embarrassed to beg for help. At the time I didn't know what panic attacks were, I had no idea how this had started, and so I just asked the kind hostess if I could maybe buy a glass of water. She brought me a glass of ginger ale and a piece of bread. She was so nice I that I felt I could trust her and told her if I pass out to call an ambulance. She sat with me on the waiting room bench as I got better. My friend showed up 15 minutes later with our friend and they were relieved to see me okay though I was still numb in my hands after about 20 minutes of resting. What changed after that day was the fact that this friend of mine that left me is such a good friend I can't help but believe that even though I know there are others out there like me, that no one I come into contact with will seem to understand what's going on. Since then I've felt totally alone, that I can't trust anyone in a car to understand what I need to do for myself. Friends I've made since then I couldn't even imagine understanding it. I just joined a band and I'm terrified we might gig hundreds of miles away or that I would have to tell them the 3 of them can ride in one car together but that I would HAVE to drive myself. I'm bummed I'll miss out on all the laughs and good times they share on those trips. I've kind've made this request before and my closest friend in the band offers to ride with me and I have to dance around telling him I can't have anyone in my car. I could tell from his face he had no idea why I would need to do this.
The other thing that saddens me is my worry that I won't be able to take a girlfriend around, or that even if she understands, secretly (and who could blame her, I wouldn't) my inability to take road trips and such wear on her and make our relationship suffer. I can't have this happen. I can't be bound to where I live. I know, I know love conquers all, but I'm, well...I'm scared it'll be awkward and embarrassing. Like a weakness. Or worse yet, if she somehow thinks my panics have something to do with her, like I don't trust her. I'm single now and I think about this every single time I talk to this girl at work I want to ask out.
Annnnyhow. Wow. This is much longer than I thought it was gonna be. Thanks to anyone who endured this tale. See you around.
I wanna say it started about 4-5 years ago with no obvious "trigger" event or anything like that. I honestly used to think that when I was in a car with others that maybe I was "talking myself blue" because I would feel short of breath but having to uncomfortably cease and avoid conversation halfway through the ride always seems to make the attack worse as I can't help but focus on my symptoms and knowing the others passengers notice my abrupt silence and one-word replies. I don't mind the shortness of breath and sweaty palms but what I can't handle is the numbness and tingling. It starts in my left hand at the tip of my pinky and spreads across both hands, then my legs, and then my chest if I don't get out of the car and stand up. As soon as that happens I know I'm in trouble and I try so hard to exercise all those things you read to cope with an attack but you can only think of exit strategies like how will I tell my friends we need to pull over? Especially when they're not always the closest of friends or a good friend and their friend, situations like that. Sometimes I'll tell them I have to take a leak and there's no way I can hold it so I can stand in a public restroom for at least 5 minutes which normally isn't enough to rid myself of the numbness but just enough to take the edge off and hopefully enough to make it to our destination without needing to explain I would need to stop again.
I know everyone will agree, as do I, that in the end you just have to do what you need but it's hard to dance around it with all the different types of people you ride with. I had to go to a wake of a friend of a close friend and halfway down the highway sitting in the back of his van with 5 other people I had to ask if we could turn around and get my car, which I felt awful about because we would've never made it to the funeral home during its hours. Thankfully, for whatever reason, I just powered through it cause I knew where we were on the highway and about how long we had to go. Thinking about, though I get worried about talking during the onset of an attack because I worry about expending that precious air I have in my lungs it sometimes works a charm, and my numbness goes away and normally when this happens it goes away for the rest of the entire ride. That makes me smile, to know it can be done. I know I don't get this way when my mom or dad is driving me somewhere because I feel incredibly safe with them obviously, and my mom's a gung ho nurse so I know if I ever passed out with her by me I would wake up in a hospital hehe.
A few things have saddened me though and have become the center of my obsession with this disorder for me.
One would be what to date was my worst attack about 3ish years ago while I was a passenger with a friend from Boston where I live to Cape Cod and while approaching our destination the numbness got so bad my entire body was tingling and throbbing with numbness, my chest unwanting to move with normal respiration. I totally freaked out and had my friend pull over at some restaurant 5 minutes from our friends house. I jumped out and couldn't even stand up straight. I asked him to call an ambulance but because he had a marijuana pipe in his car he was worried cops might suspect my condition was drug-related and so he assured me he return to help and left me to drop off his paraphernalia at our friends. He really is a kind person, a good friend, but I couldn't believe it, I was just standing alone at night at the edge of some family restaurant parking lot thinking for sure this was it--I was gonna end up on this asphalt alone and dead. I ran inside but I was embarrassed to beg for help. At the time I didn't know what panic attacks were, I had no idea how this had started, and so I just asked the kind hostess if I could maybe buy a glass of water. She brought me a glass of ginger ale and a piece of bread. She was so nice I that I felt I could trust her and told her if I pass out to call an ambulance. She sat with me on the waiting room bench as I got better. My friend showed up 15 minutes later with our friend and they were relieved to see me okay though I was still numb in my hands after about 20 minutes of resting. What changed after that day was the fact that this friend of mine that left me is such a good friend I can't help but believe that even though I know there are others out there like me, that no one I come into contact with will seem to understand what's going on. Since then I've felt totally alone, that I can't trust anyone in a car to understand what I need to do for myself. Friends I've made since then I couldn't even imagine understanding it. I just joined a band and I'm terrified we might gig hundreds of miles away or that I would have to tell them the 3 of them can ride in one car together but that I would HAVE to drive myself. I'm bummed I'll miss out on all the laughs and good times they share on those trips. I've kind've made this request before and my closest friend in the band offers to ride with me and I have to dance around telling him I can't have anyone in my car. I could tell from his face he had no idea why I would need to do this.
The other thing that saddens me is my worry that I won't be able to take a girlfriend around, or that even if she understands, secretly (and who could blame her, I wouldn't) my inability to take road trips and such wear on her and make our relationship suffer. I can't have this happen. I can't be bound to where I live. I know, I know love conquers all, but I'm, well...I'm scared it'll be awkward and embarrassing. Like a weakness. Or worse yet, if she somehow thinks my panics have something to do with her, like I don't trust her. I'm single now and I think about this every single time I talk to this girl at work I want to ask out.
Annnnyhow. Wow. This is much longer than I thought it was gonna be. Thanks to anyone who endured this tale. See you around.